I could tell you whatever I want, but I have no reason to. All I have to tell is our story.

I am 35 years old and healthy. After two awful marriages, I finally met Chad, my soul-mate, 9 years ago. He is a wonderful man who supports my goals and dreams. I have 4 amazing children, ages 18, 17, 13 and 13 (yes, twin boys that I was blessed to have without fertility treatments), and two incredible step-children, ages 15 and 13, who live with their Mom in Texas, so sadly we do not get to see them very often. After I had my twins, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and had to have a partial hysterectomy at the age of 22. Chad and I very much want to have a child of our own, and so I know how it feels to be incomplete and helpless, because the only way that our dream of having a child together can come true is throughsurrogacy. I sit and wish I could do this myself; that if they could do a uterine transplant, I would be the first in line.

We have been with surrogacy agencies since April 2006 and that is where I thought our dreams were going to come true, but I was wrong; that is were our nightmares began.

The first agency took me for a fool, and the second just did not care. We ended up with two miscarriages from an unknown reason. On top of trying to cope with the emotional ups and downs of infertility treatment and the inability to have a child on our own, we had to deal with people that do not understand how hard it is because they have not gone through it themselves. They can tell you the happy side, but what about the bad side and the down falls. They either pretend they do not exist, or totally ignore them.

For the last year and a half we had faith that not all agencies were alike, however, the lies and problems were still there. One night after our second miscarriage as I was lying in bed trying to deal with it all and the only thing that came to my mind was that there had to be a good explanation. I have since come to realize the reasons are nothing I will ever know, nor understand why and how people could be like this.

We were told things like "All the Surrogates are approved by the Doctors Office and are already on birth control, and how much the agency cares", but the cold hard truth is most do not care at all. So after everything we have been through, I felt that this is a hard enough road to go down, and that there should be someone out there that has been in these shoes as an Intended Parent. For people who can have children on their own, all you hear is how easy it is. They do not even comprehend what it is like to want a child more than anything and not be able to have one.

Alot of agencies are ran by a Surrogate that started their own agency, so they may not understand what it is like to be an Intended Parent and cannot empathize with everything an Intended Parent is going through.

Surrogates also have a lot to undergo, both emotionally and physically. They have a hard road too with all the medication, blood work, and test after test. Their job is not easy. As Intended Parents we really do thank God for the ladies that step up to help us with this gift. However, unless they are with a caring agency that realizes what Intended Parents are also going through, they may not know that as Intended Parents we sit and wait and wonder what is going on all day, and lay in bed at night worrying that everything is all right and hoping we do not get the phone call at two in the morning. We are fearful of anything that might happen. It is a mind-racking time for Intended Parents.

I feel we have learned a lot through trial and error, and that I can offer a personal, caring relationship to both Intended Parents and to Surrogates because I have been through it. I have also seen the journey that some of my family and friends have had to take because of infertility. Two of my very close cousins have had to deal with infertility. One of them dealt with infertility for 5 years before having her son. Then she went through another 9 years of secondary infertility before being able to have her daughter.

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It was hard for me to be around other women who were pregnant or had babies. I would have given anything to experience what they had.

Frustrated with the lack of medical understanding and results, we finally made an appointment with a doctor in Boise who knew about infertility and the treatments for it. He put me on an oral fertility medication used to stimulate ovulation. Every month was a dissapointment because I failed to ovulate, so the dose was increased each following cycle.

Our 4th cycle was very stressful for both of us. Infertility treatment can be very hard on both the woman and the man, as well as the relationship. All of the testing, the timing, the emotional rollercoaster and the waiting puts alot of pressure on a couple.

When I started to experience cramping, I was so upset. After a good long bout of self-pity tears, I called the doctor to let him know that we would be starting another cycle. They asked if I had a negative pregnancy test, and when I told them I obviously didn't need to take one, they insisted I do so before they would write another prescription. Frustrated, I went to the pharmacy and bought a home pregnancy test.  Because I didn't want to get Colin's hopes up, I didn't tell him about it. I snuck into the bathroom and took the test. I couldn't believe it when the little positive sign showed up and I will never forget the look in my husband's eyes when he understood what I was showing him.  Even after many more positive tests, we still had a hard time believing that our dream of having a baby had been realized.

After our son was born in 1997, we knew that we wanted to have another baby. Not only to experience again the miracle of bringing a dream to life, but being an only child myself, I wanted my son to have a sibling. Within a couple years we started trying again.  We went to the doctor who had delivered our son and it was at that time that I was finally correctly diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  For the next 4 years we would continue to try to conceive another child to no avail. In 2002 we went to the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine and came under the care of Dr. Cristin Slater. She started me on injectable fertility medication. We tried for several cycles with no success.

Infertility is emotionally and mentally draining. Throughout the years of different treatments, I had to take many "breaks" to recharge.   Sometimes the breaks were only a few months, sometimes they were a couple years.  After our failed attempts with injections, I gave up.   We had been blessed with one miracle. Was I asking for too much?

The desire to have another child always lurked in my dreams and thoughts. I regretted not being able to give my son a sister or brother to share his life with. In 2006, as I was struggling to recover from the loss of my Mom, one of my closest cousins and best friends started talking about having a baby. Because she had to have a partial hysterectomy due to indometriosis after the birth of her twin sons 12 years ago, her only option of making her dream come true would be surrogacy. The more we spoke about her desire to have a child, the more I thought about having another child myself.

I didn't want to look back in 2 or 3 years and regret not trying just one more time while I was still in my 30's to have another baby. I decided to give it one more try, not really believing it would work.  After all, we had tried many times before with no success.

Once again I went to the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine and began another cycle of injections. I tried not to obsess, I failed miserably! The first cycle I felt so positive that I had conceived, unfortunately I was all too familiar with the crushing dissapointment and emotional plummet that one little minus sign could cause.  Going into my second cycle with little real hope, and no symptoms to even build false hope, you can imagine my utmost surprise when the pregnancy test showed a plus sign.

I will also never forget the look of shock on my husbands face when I presented him with the pregnancy test this time!  Nine months later, our second miracle, our baby girl, arrived.

Even though our journey was long (5 years of infertility, followed by almost 10 years of secondary infertility), I am grateful for the understanding and compassion it has given me. I cannot express how fully I understand what it is like to want, more than any other thing in life, to have a child. To be able to assist in fulfilling a couples' dream of having their own baby would be such a wonderful experience.